Not Enough? Then what is?
by tiff098765
Summary: What if, when Kate made the "School's funniest kid, & it's not enough," comment, Castle demanded to know what was enough? How explosive would that get? And what happened between the scenes we saw? Middle and later chapters have great fluff.
1. Chapter 1

The fight was getting ugly, fast. Kate shouted, "I've been running around with the school's funniest kid, & it's not enough!" It didn't derail Castle as she'd hoped.

Instead, he fired back, "Then what is? What do you want? Tell me what is enough! Tell me what we are!"

She froze, stunned, unsure how to answer. "Dammit, Castle, I don't have time for this crap right now." He seethed.

He tried to not lose control, and his voice came as a barely controlled growl. "Why not now. You're holed up in here, answering the door with a gun in your hand... because you know I'm right. They are coming for you. You know it. How many times have you told me to back off, and I didn't, and I saved your ass? How many times, Kate? Am I joke to you? Was I a joke when I warned you in time for you to jump in your tub & not get blown up? What about when I brought you out of your burning apartment? Or when I shot Dunn before he shot you? Or when Lockwood had a bead on your head & I saved you from him, too? Or when I pulled the wires on that bomb? How does _any_ of that make me the freakin' class clown! _When_ will it be _enough_!"

Castle was nearly shouting. He took a few breaths to calm himself before continuing. "How many times, Kate, do I have to save you before you see that you need me - that I _am_ good enough for you? What else do I have to do to prove myself to you?" He reigned himself in while she stood, rattled and shaken. He stepped toward her and spoke again, this time calmly, letting the anguish and concern that consumed him show through his body & his words. "And what are you going to do, Kate, when they get off a shot before I can step in & save you? What am _I_ going to do? ... Do you even care about that?"

She had no response. There were so many things running through her head she couldn't make sense of any of it. Of course she cared, and she knew he was right, but it didn't change her resolve. She was in too deep. He could help, or he could get out of her way. She knew she needed him, but she wanted to tell him to go away. She saw him studying her face, trying to read her mind. And she had no idea what her face was telling him just then.

He saw hurt, brokenness, anger, resolve. He knew he hadn't made a difference in her decision to chase this thing. He closed his eyes & exhaled deeply. He silently walked over to her windows and shut the blinds. It was stupid to have a line of sight available to any sniper who wanted her dead. He turned & headed for the door, saying, "Lock it up tight, Kate." He slammed the door behind him.

She crumpled on the couch, burying her face in her hands. She began to cry, but got pissed that he'd made her want to cry and made herself stop. She began to pace the room, fists clenched. She poured a double shot of tequila and threw it back. Her eyes stung, but she refused to let a tear fall because of Castle. All because of Castle. War raged inside her head. This... _this_ was why she pushed him away. No one else could command such strong emotion from her. Anyone else... anyone else she could have answered when they asked what she wanted or what was enough. Everyone else... everyone had a definition & boundary. She knew what she wanted as well as where her limits were with her father, her friends, even Josh. But Castle... she couldn't put into words what she wanted or what they were because there was no limit.

He knew her better than anyone else did, which made her vulnerable to him. She couldn't handle vulnerable. Just the thought made her angrier. She threw her glass against the wall, screaming, "Damn you, Castle!" as the glass burst into a thousand pieces.

Then she lost it. She didn't care anymore, though. No one could see. It didn't matter if she cried alone in the privacy of her apartment. She gave in and let sobs wrack her body. Vulnerable. God, she hated that word. She knew that was exactly what she was, though. Vulnerable in the situation with Lockwood, and vulnerable with Castle. She wanted & needed him so completely that she resented him for it. That thought crystallized in her mind, and she shook her head at the absurdity.

_You are so screwed up,_ she thought; _you resent him because you love him_. She fell onto her bed, tried (and failed) to calm down, and punched the pillow as hard as she could.


	2. Chapter 2

She laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling. The fight had been more intense than any they had ever had. She went over it and over it in her head. She wanted to let it go and just go to sleep; but she couldn't. Her mind drifted back to a year and a half before. The night she shot her mother's assassin to save Castle. She told Castle she'd gotten used him being there - she liked him being there - and that she'd gotten used to him pulling her pigtails. She'd often thought of him as a little boy on the school playground when they got to a crime scene for one of the "weird ones." And the way he teased her made her think of that same little boy harassing the little girl he liked. She'd then told Castle that when she finally caught whoever ordered her mother's murder, she wanted him to be at her side. They'd had a moment. A very sweet moment. And it had snowballed into this. Lying on her bed, heartbroken and angry.

_I should have let him walk away that night, _she thought._ He felt guilty and wanted to just quit. But I asked him to stay. Why couldn't I just let him go? It would be so much easier now. Or at least simpler._

Her thoughts ran through their many moments they've shared since that night. They were becoming more frequent and far more meaningful. He was so much more of a man than he was when they'd met. He was so much harder to resist. He'd shown up in her dreams on more than one occasion. She often dreamt of the two times he'd brought up tonight: the kiss and the freezer. They had never talked about either. She couldn't talk about it. Just thinking about it made her heart race. She ran scared from it. She didn't want to face what it meant. Why did he even bring that up?

_Oh yeah. He was telling me to walk away, they'd kill me, and I should think about the people who love me. Wasn't that the line from the Nikki Heat movie she used on a suicidal guy? Whatever. I don't have a death wish. _She rubbed her face with both hands.

_But I thought he was about to say he loved me. I wanted him to say it. But he said to think about Josh. Screw Josh. I had to know. I had to push him to say it. I demanded he say it. But he said 'partner,' 'friend.' Chicken shit. Why couldn't I leave it alone? He couldn't say it any more than I could right then. Damn… why did I keep pushing? 'Is that what we are?' I just had to ask, didn't I?_

She shook her head, and another tear rolled down her temple into her hair. She could still hear his voice saying, "I don't know what we are, Kate. We kissed, and we never talked about it. We nearly died, frozen in each other's arms, and we never talked about it." That kiss was seared into her memory and came back every time he pulled her pigtails. In the freezer, she snuggled close to him for warmth and comfort, fully expecting to die in his arms. She'd wanted to tell him then how she felt, but couldn't. Neither time did he say anything about his actual feelings, and she couldn't be sure that he had any real feelings for her. She had been too scared to ask, so she acted like neither event had happened.

Yet, there he stood, saying he has no clue what they are. She'd pushed him to admit something, and he pushed right back. His statement of not knowing had a clear returned question in it. _What are we, Kate? What do you want us to be?_ His mouth hadn't said it, but his eyes sure as hell did. The tables had been turned. She was no longer the interrogator but the interrogated. And she couldn't answer the question either.

_How had this conversation so quickly turned from professional killers and him having the gall to tell me to walk away from finding my mother's killer, to us trying to force each other to own up to our feelings?_

It was a stalemate. She instantly reverted back to her idea of him as a boy on a playground As soon as he said he didn't want her to throw her life away, she said her life wasn't his personal jungle gym. Now that was apt. She'd blurted it out, but it was a metaphor that had rolled around her mind for a while. He'd gotten in her head. He knew her, though she'd do anything to convince herself of the opposite. He had free access to see her at any angle, with no barriers. He loved to play with her. With a jungle gym, you can run around it, over it, through it. But then the boy can leave the playground when he gets bored, leave the jungle gym waiting for him to come back, whenever he feels like. It's not his favorite toy truck that he shows off to his best friend. It's not his stuffed bear he snuggles at night and would cry about if it were lost. She didn't want to be the jungle gym.

She'd gotten angry at herself when she came up with the metaphor, but it was how she thought he felt about her. She threw it in his face.

That was then it all went downhill. "I've been running around with the school's funniest kid, and it's not enough!" It was as close as she could come to answering his unspoken question earlier. The same one she'd demanded of him. She didn't know what they were, either, but it wasn't enough.


	3. Chapter 3

His response shocked her. She expected him to deflect again. He yelled, "Then what is? What do you want? Tell me what _is_ enough! Tell me what we are!"

Fueled by fear and anger, she violently shoved down the urge to just tell him. It would be simple. It would end up passionate. You can't bottle up those feelings then shake them up with this kind up fight, then expect it to not erupt when you open it up. So_ she _deflected.

Maybe she shouldn't have. Analyzing after the fact makes things come into focus that had been blurred during the fight. She chuckled humorlessly at her ceiling. _Apparently that was his last straw, _she thought. She heard his list of how much he'd done for, which was by no means a complete list, with a slack jaw and racing heart. It was definitely not the resume' of a playground boy.

It surprised her when he asked if he would ever be done proving himself to be good enough for her. _Prove himself to me? Good enough for me? Had he really been trying to win me over? Seriously? He's… he's Richard Castle. I'm just an ordinary cop._ But that wasn't what truly undid her. It was what he said next.

"And what are you going to do, Kate, when they get off a shot before I can step in & save you? What am _I_ going to do? ... Do you even care about that?" He looked to be on the verge of tears from a combination of worry and being supremely pissed off.

She had tried to get him to confess his feelings, and there they were. Not the way she'd hoped they'd come out, but still out there. He'd been desperately trying to save her not just for her sake, but also because he didn't know what he'd do if anything happened to her. When he said earlier that, as her partner and friend, he didn't want anything to happen to her, it had sounded hollow. But this response rang true. She tried to make herself believe that his motive was selfish, wanted to hide in the jungle gym metaphor, but the look on his face was the grown up version of the boy who couldn't bear to lose the possession that mattered most to him.

Her passion flared up again when she understood the look in his eyes. It killed her to not give in to it. When she met his eyes, she'd already stuffed the passion back down. This wasn't the time. She wondered how she could do this to herself. Her ceiling offered no answers. _Am I a glutton for punishment? Why couldn't I have just stepped forward and leaned into him? He would have wrapped his arms around me, and the hurt would have been over. Just one little step. _

Kate wondered if he was wrestling with the same thought. Just one step toward her at that moment would have been all it took for her to cave. Simply reaching out for her.

But he hadn't made a move; he waited for her. She was reaffirming her resolve to not give into her desire for him and was refocusing on why they were fighting in the first place - the fact that trained killers sent from her mother's murderer were after her - when Castle gave up. The fact that he'd shut her blinds and told her to lock up made her wonder if she really did have a death wish. She was making stupid choices, not making any effort to protect her own safety, and she'd just pushed away the one person she trusted to always keep her safe. The sound of the door slamming as he stormed out still boomed in her ears.

_Aaaw shit…Stupid, stupid, stupid._ Kate got up and went to lock the door. Putting the key in the deadbolt, she hesitated; and with a strange sense of wonder, she cracked open the door, hoping to find Castle standing vigil in her hallway.


	4. Chapter 4

_Standing vigil would be in character for him,_ she thought. _He does that kind of thing._ She knew better than to open the door. After analyzing the fight in her mind, she had come to four conclusions: she loved him, and she had been running from that; he cared deeply for - maybe loved - her, and she'd pushed him away; it had been extremely difficult to swallow her desire for him; and she was acting very stupid today.

She pulled the cracked door shut before she could see whether or not he was there. If he wasn't, well, she really didn't think she could take the disappointment. If he was, she didn't trust herself to not make another stupid decision. She threw the deadbolt and was surprised at how loud it sounded. She was still on edge. She heard footsteps in the hall and grabbed her gun. _Shit._ _Lockwood is here._

Beckett turned off her light, took cover to the side of her door. Slowly, she turned the knob; quickly, she flung the door open. She pointed her weapon at the back of the man ten feet away & shouted, "Freeze! Police!" Though, if it was Lockwood, he knew she was police. Her training had just made the words come out.

He stopped where he was and quickly raised his empty hands. The first thing she registered was that it was not Lockwood, the hair color was wrong. The second thing to register was the man's injured hand. The knuckles were bloody and slightly swollen.

Then he turned his head. Beckett dropped her hand, lowering her weapon to her side, with an exasperated but relieved sigh. "Dammit, Castle, what are you doing out here?"

He put his hands down and shrugged. "You didn't lock your door." There was still an edge to his voice, but not nearly as much as there was in hers. She looked at him like he was an idiot. He explained. "I was leaving, and I'd made it to the bottom of the stairwell. But I realized I didn't hear you lock the door."

"I could have locked it while you were in the stairwell." Her voice was gruff. She didn't know why she was picking another fight. Probably because he'd made her think Lockwood had come for her.

He didn't match her harsh tone. Somehow, he had already regained most of his calm. She always found his ability to keep calm to be endearing. He offered a half-smile and looked a little worried that his response might be the wrong thing to say. He said it anyway.

"Yeah, I thought of that. But I decided to come back and make sure. It wasn't locked, and it's a keyed lock, so I couldn't just stick my hand in and lock it for you. You… um… didn't sound like you wanted me to intrude again. So I thought I'd keep watch."

His eyes were full of compassion and concern, and she was only a little embarrassed that he'd heard her crying. She wondered if he'd heard her smash the glass and curse him. She dismissed the thought and asked, "Then why were you leaving?"

"I heard you lock the door. Why did you crack it open first?" His voice was so gentle.

She smiled. His presence and tone had settled her down. "I thought you might be out here. That would be a very Castley thing for you to do. But then I thought I was being silly." She looked down to hide her embarrassment.

"So… why the gun?" he asked, glancing at the piece still in her hand.

She headed back through the door, nodding her invitation for him to follow. She placed the weapon on the small table and locked the deadbolt behind them. "I thought you were Lockwood."

The fear she tried to mask with nonchalance still showed through. He nodded his understanding and craved to reach out and hold her. He actually made a move to touch her, a move that was interrupted by her focusing on his hand.

"What happened to your hand?" She sounded alarmed. Kate took Rick's other hand and pulled him to the kitchen for a bag of ice. Her glare finally made him confess.

"Your super has a couple of holes in the stairwell wall I'll need to pay for." He said it without any hint of apology. She could see his jaw twitch as he clinched his teeth. He wasn't as calm as she'd thought - she could see his anger still simmering beneath the surface as he decided on what to say next.

He continued, "You're wrong, you know. You're acting like an idiot. You're way too smart to be acting like this, Kate. You're not just risking with your own life, but the lives of those around you. You've _got_ to stand down. I didn't _want_ to come back up here. I _don't_ want to fight with you. But you've gone way down that rabbit hole and I can't pull you out if you don't let me. And you simply don't have the right to let yourself get killed and leave us to deal with it."

She showed fight in her eyes, and fury returned to his. She could tell that it wouldn't take much to set him off again, so she swallowed the defensive words that were screaming to come out.

Castle had no intention of backing down. A stray thought of a fantasy he'd had after a previous argument flitted through his brain. A fantasy of shutting her up with a forceful kiss that shocked her into forgetting what they were fighting about. He pushed the fantasy aside and thought she was about to re-engage. But she didn't.

She seemed to deflate. She wanted to apologize for being so stupid that he thought he needed to sit in her hall and babysit her. For antagonizing him to the point of storming out & punching two holes in a plaster wall. For fighting him when he was just trying to talk some sense into her. Instead, she hung her head and said, "Yeah."

Maybe it was the weight of the pressure of this case, hell, maybe it was just his hand hurting so damned much, but he was in the mood to push it. "Yeah" wasn't good enough. Normally, it would have been. He'd made an art out of not pushing her.

"Yeah, what, Kate?" She looked up in surprise. She didn't answer.

"Yeah, _you know _you're being dangerous? Yeah, you're _wrong_? Yeah, you _need_ my help? Yeah, _what_?" The surprise on her face was almost funny to him.

As she struggled to answer him, she made herself look him in the eye. She expected him to be getting angrier, instead she saw that teasing twinkle she loved. It disarmed her.

"Yeah, Rick, I need your help. We need a plan." He waited for more.

"_And_?"

"What do you want, Rick? An apology?"

He smiled mischievously. "Yeah."

She rolled her eyes, then looked at the floor. "Fine…. I apologize."

After a few moments of silence, she excused herself to retrieve her first aid kit. As she poured peroxide over his knuckles, he winced, and she blew on them to cool the sting. She wrapped gauze around his hand. It brought back a similar memory.

Kate was about to ask Rick if he remembered the last time she'd wrapped his hand after he'd injured it against Lockwood's face, but the look in his eye said he most certainly did. The simple act of blowing on his hand had flipped his train of thought. Their argument was gone from his eyes.

There was smug satisfaction from knowing he'd given Lockwood a concussion that night, and the hint of regret that he had restrained himself. His eyes were locked on her, entranced by how gently she touched his hand. She had thanked him for being there for her that night months ago; he had replied, "Always."

She searched his face and knew that his promise still held true.

_xxx_

_More to come. Please review._


	5. Chapter 5

His hand hurt like hell, but he wasn't about to break this moment to ask for something for the pain. Her eyes held the same heat they had in the back of the ambulance that night after she'd wrapped his hand. He'd seen that look that night and thought she was going to kiss him. It was only an hour, or less, after their "undercover" kiss, but that amazing kiss only left him wanting more. Wanting a real kiss that left absolutely no uncertainty of the motives behind it. He wondered when he went to bed that night how she would have reacted if he hadn't restrained himself after knocking Lockwood out. In his dreams, he didn't stop. In his dreams, she didn't restrain herself, either.

The killer had been torturing Ryan and Esposito, who he loved like brothers, then pointed a gun at Kate's head. Lockwood was lucky to be alive after Castle got done with him. She heard the gun fire and knew how close she had come to death. Castle had been her white knight that night; and earlier tonight, she'd ripped him a new one for staying in that role.

Yet here she was, looking at him with fire in her eyes again. He'd gotten glimpses of that look before, but she always looked away before anything came of it. She wasn't looking away now. A fleeting thought of Josh crossed his mind, but considering how completely she'd ignored him telling her to think of Josh's love and turned it into asking about his, and considering how she was tenderly caressing his bandaged hand while biting her bottom lip just then, he easily kicked away the thought. The same fleeting thought had held his leash in Los Angeles, but it would not hold him tonight.

The idea of having to be held back from her with a leash must have put an interesting expression on his face, because her bedroom eyes shifted to a look of amused confusion. He debated for a millisecond whether or not the moment was gone and if he should just follow her lead on what would happen next. Another millisecond he debated if he should just kiss her, deeply and passionately, like he had that one time before. The next millisecond, he was smiling back at her, using his good hand to delicately push her loose hair behind her ear and lightly brush his thumb across her lips. He felt her breath catch at the contact. He saw something in her eyes that made him think she was about to retreat. He knew that look all too well.

She licked her lips and swallowed.

"Castle." Her sultry voice was barely audible. He thought it was the sexiest thing he'd ever heard. He raised his eyes from her lips to her eyes in response and slid his bandaged hand out of hers around to lightly rest on the small of her back. Her breath caught again.

He smiled devilishly, wondering how many times he could make her do that.

That smile broke the last thread of resolve she had. Josh never even entered her thoughts while looking into Castle's eyes. She was done with him, though she hadn't told Rick. Castle had made her apologize and admit she needed help, which were two things she _never_ did. He knew that. If it hadn't been for the revelations she'd had while crying alone after the fight, she wouldn't have caved. She would have stayed defiant and probably kicked him out. But he was right, and she wanted peace.

The small act of blowing this man's hand to cool the stinging peroxide had brought her passion back in full force. Wrapping it was a turn-on, because of the way he watched her do it. She very gently rubbed her thumbs across the bandage to press it down, thinking how sorry she was to have said anything to hurt him, thinking how much she wanted to kiss away his pain.

His fingers had brushed against her cheek and ear then her lips and sent a buzz through her body. She suddenly wasn't so sure. _Maybe this really is stupid. Maybe we shouldn't._ She whispered his name and was distracted by his body's thrilled reaction to it. His touch on her back made her forget her misgivings. His smile made her forget why she'd ever had any to begin with.

_xxx_

_More to come. Please review._


	6. Chapter 6

Rick Castle had had many fantasies involving Kate Beckett. For months, she had been the sole star of his over-active imagination. However, when he leaned in and pressed his lips to her, none of those fantasies came to mind. 99% of his brain was focused on the heat of her returned kiss, her responses to his touches, and memorizing exactly what made her breath catch. The other 1% was a memory floating freely through his mind.

He was 22 years old blowing through the profits from his first book, standing in Volcanoes National Park in Hawaii. He had followed an elementary school class on a tour to learn about Kilauea, the most continuously erupting volcano in the world, then wandered off on his own to walk out onto the lava fields. He had just learned that Kilauea was flowing into two lava lakes, and that you could walk out onto the edges where the surface had cooled. He walked out further than recommended. The surface had a hardened crust, but was not completely cooled. He stood, struck by the power, danger, and beauty of the deep red glow slowly trekking to the ocean's edge then dripping into the infinite blue with a sizzle. He stood transfixed until his feet felt warm. As he walked away, he realized that the soles of his favorite old Doc Martens were melting on the surface of the warm lava. He hurried back to the safer viewing area, still in awe of the graceful but deadly energy held in the slow-moving heat.

Kissing Kate was like that. While he didn't know that, at that moment, Lockwood was telling Montgomery to chose between Kate's life and the lives of his children, Castle was very much aware that his searing love for Kate was extremely dangerous to his own life. But there was no chance he would hurry out of harm's way this time. He pulled her closer, kissed her more deeply, and let the image of the volcano play in his mind as they moved to her bedroom.

He stood on a viewing platform to watch the Pu'u'O'o' cone at the Kilauea summit. It had been measuring increasing seismic activity. He had spent several hours there, watching, unable to leave, jotting down thoughts in his small notebook. He wasn't being patient so much as magnetically drawn in. Sweat trickled down his chest. He'd listened to the volcanologist explain what was happening in the volcano, used his "researching" excuse to get more access and information than typical tourists, and had charmed his way into getting to the Scientists Only platform almost a mile closer than the tourists' platform. He could see into the cone and smell the fumes. The volcanologist quickly forced a gas mask onto him, but he still felt a touch of dizziness from the single breath of unfiltered air. He relished the sensation. He stared into the fiery cone - stunned, scared, excited - when a large plume of lava spurted up into the air, pulsing violently for nearly three minutes, accompanied by a summit tremor. Ash and tephra (other eruption fallout) blew downwind, opposite the viewing platform. There had never been a more thrilling moment in his life.

Watching the birth of his daughter and holding her for the first time had been the emotional equivalent, but that was a soft, sweet kind of terror.

Being with Katherine Beckett tonight had finally given him a sensory and emotional match for that spectacular experience.

He had felt the slow burn. The raw power. The all-encompassing vulnerability. The exquisite beauty. The light-headedness. The primal energy. The explosive eruptions.

And complete joy and satisfaction that he had made his Kate feel it, too.

At this moment, nothing else in the world existed.

_xxx_

_More to come. Please review._


	7. Chapter 7

Kate laid there, staring at her ceiling for the second time of the night; chest heaving, breathless. This time, there were no tears. There was, however, an incredibly satisfied smile. She glanced over at him; the light from the hall was spilling into the room, glistening on the sheen of sweat covering his muscled chest and arms. She rolled onto her side once she regained control of her quaking body, laying her head on his shoulder and letting her fingers trace his abs. Rick wrapped his arm around her, caressing her ribs.

She squirmed under his touch and grinned. He laughed, realizing for the first time that she was ticklish. Expecting him to take advantage of this weakness, she rolled back quickly, pinning his arm beneath her neck. Instead of trying to tickle her again, he rolled to face her, nuzzled her neck, and traced a circle around her navel with one finger.

"You know I'm going to have fun with this new knowledge of you," he teased. She wasn't sure if he meant the intimate knowledge or the knowledge that she was ticklish.

She smiled. "So long as you don't use that knowledge at work."

It was the wrong thing to say. He watched a darkness cloud her beautiful features, and knew that thinking of work made her think of Lockwood.

"Let him come, Kate." His words surprised her. He filled his voice with bravado and arrogance and cocked one eyebrow playfully. "Let him come. _He_ can't have you. He'd have to go through me, and _I_ am a_ force of nature_."

He hoped she'd laugh. Instead, she gave him smoky look and a soft, indulgent kiss.

"That you are, Rick… that you are."

He thought for a moment, then confused her with a question that seemed totally out of the blue: "Have you ever been to Hawaii?"

His cocky invitation for Lockwood to come made her feel safe and protected, and his off-topic question had distracted her. She settled back against him, enjoying the warm comforting contact with her Rick.

"No. Why?"

"I'd like to take you there. You would love it."

"I believe you. But why? Considering our current state of dress, it's not to see me in a swimsuit."

He began telling her about the volcanoes. He was charming. He sensed her relaxing in his arms even more and knew she was getting sleepy. So he used his silkiest voice and told her as many volcano factoids as he could think of until he lulled her to sleep.

Only then did he let himself contemplate the very real danger this woman he so cherished was in.

_xxx_

_More to come. Please review._


	8. Chapter 8

The soft glow of the rising sun dimly lit the room. Richard Castle had been half-awake most of the night, ebbing between thought and dream. He held Kate close to his side, delighting in the warmth of her hand on his chest and the softness of her hair on his shoulder. He had held her tenderly but possessively as she curled against his side. He wouldn't give her up without a fight, but he also knew that he couldn't protect her 100% of the time. Lockwood could find her at anytime in anyplace. The memory of talking with Detective Raglan in the diner was still painfully raw. The man was mid-word, beginning to confess why Johanna Beckett has died, when it seemed like the world exploded and Lockwood's bullet silenced him permanently. "It's different when you're close enough to see the lights go out," Kate had told him when Castle saw Raglan's last breath.

The utter shock of being three feet from an assassination was made infinitely worse when he saw blood on Kate and thought she'd been hit. The mental image of blood staining her white shirt came forward every time they were in a potentially dangerous situation. He didn't think he could take it if it ever really was her blood. And he felt like the clock was ticking. Montgomery had said when Lockwood escaped that she wasn't the target because she didn't know anything; but everyone knew that the more she learned made her more and more of a target.

During the pre-dawn hours, he had imagined how differently the night could have turned out. When she had made the cutting remark about him being the school's funniest kid, and that it wasn't enough, he had almost not responded to it. He almost said something about what he thought her true motives were, both with life in general and with her choice of men. He could imagine how badly that would have turned out, no matter how right he was. He certainly wouldn't have been lying in her bed gently caressing her back. She probably wouldn't even be speaking to him for days. He was glad he said what he thought was wrong at the time and spelled out to her how he would move heaven and earth to protect her. He was thankful he had gone back upstairs after venting his frustration on the wall.

He was so emotionally ragged that he couldn't control the onslaught of mixed feelings when he went back into her apartment. Fear, anger, possessiveness, love, desire, worry. He wondered if he had been more vulnerable last night than she was. She seemed to be pretty singularly focused, first on defiance and independence, then on passion. She had flipped a switch in her mind and he didn't know why. But he was quite sure she wouldn't wake up with regrets. The way she'd looked at him was not the look of someone just finding an outlet for her frustrations; he saw genuine affection. Also, Kate had taken great pleasure in finding ways to make his breath catch, too. He smiled at the look of delight on her face each time she'd succeeded. She'd laughed and played… oh, how he loved her laugh.

Rick wanted to get up and cook her breakfast, but also wanted to be there when she woke up. He didn't want her to have even a second of wondering if he'd skulked out during the night. He knew that his history stacked the deck against him ever capturing her heart and had done everything he could think of to re-write her understanding of his character and commitment. That she really could trust him with everything.

Rick was very much aware of being skin to skin with his Kate and was extremely tempted to wake her up for another round, but reluctantly decided she probably could use the sleep. In fact, he knew she desperately needed the sleep. This case was wearing her down. Wearing them both down.

With that thought, the worry was back. There were no new leads. They were at a standstill again, until Lockwood made another move. He tried to focus on the stunning woman in his arms at this moment and get a little more rest.

Kate Beckett woke up but didn't open her eyes. She didn't want the dream to end yet. She'd had this dream before, but never this vividly. She had made him hers. She could feel him and smell him next to her. She could hear his steady breathing. Then she smiled, realizing that it wasn't a dream this time. Her hand really could feel the rise and fall of his chest, the steady beat of his heart, and the softness of his hand covering hers.

This was perfect. He was perfect. It was hard for her to admit last night that the one she had been running from for so long was the one who was perfect for her. But once she had admitted that to herself, she'd embraced it. Yin and yang, as he had called them. With her eyes still closed, she laid there, enjoying this moment of peace with her white knight. She hoped that, when he woke, he would have no regrets. He had always been the gentleman, waiting for her to be ready to let him be more than her best friend and partner. She almost felt like she had taken advantage of him the night before. He had been so worried, so angry. But he truly seemed to enjoy being taken advantage of. She opened her eyes to the sunlight filling the room and delicately kissed his jaw.

His grip on her back and hand immediately tightened, pulling her closer, as he looked down to return her kiss. She was welcoming a round two, but Rick pulled back, eyes shining, looking into her eyes to whisper, "Good morning."

His sweet, loving smile made her chest constrict. _Good morning, indeed,_ Kate thought.

"Breakfast? Or meet up later for brunch?" The words were barely out of his mouth when he realized she looked disappointed, maybe even a little afraid. "Don't worry, I'm not disappearing. I'm just pretty sure I need my hand x-rayed, and I probably shouldn't show up to the doctor smelling like I've just had the best night ever."

Kate was caught between being concerned and flattered. She focused on his hand. It was definitely more swollen. She rose to get him some pain reliever and felt him watching her exit. She had always secretly enjoyed how he watched her from behind. She'd caught him doing it many times, but rarely let on that she'd noticed. She brought him a couple of capsules and a glass of water and felt only a little self-conscious when he didn't take his eyes off her.

"C'mon, Castle. Time for me to go to work and for you to go to the doctor. Call me later. We'll meet for lunch." He began getting dressed as she gathered her clothes for a shower.

"We don't have anything new. Will you be riding the desk today?" He was worrying again.

"Yeah. Going through the account records from the Dubai account that paid off the prison guard. Checking to see if there were transfers to anyone else we know."

"Okay. Call me if you find anything." He caught her hand in his. "Kate, be careful."

She melted against him, thinking how she would have bristled at that comment yesterday. As if she couldn't take care of herself, sitting at her desk going over bank records. Now she just wanted to remove the clothes he had just put on. She had to _make_ herself help him by buttoning his shirt. She was frustrated that he'd already fastened his pants, knowing that, if she'd helped with that, they'd be a couple hours later leaving the apartment. She tried with all her strength to focus on what he was saying.

"I will be careful. You take care of that hand." Then she kissed him and headed for the shower, saying, "Can you make some coffee then we'll catch a cab together?"

_xxx_

_More to come, the next chapter will be less fluffy. Please review._


	9. Chapter 9

Esposito noticed the difference in her demeanor immediately. Ryan probably did, too, but he normally didn't act as juvenile about it as Esposito did. They had checked in with Beckett's protection detail, so they both knew that Castle had stayed the night. It didn't shock them. Everyone had been telling him that he was the only one who could get her to back down. He'd stayed at her home when she was threatened before, so they were not surprised that he had done it again.

They _were_ surprised that she was almost in a good mood when she arrived. They had expected angrier, more stubborn. What they got was a perfectly normal, "Morning, boys. Anything new?"

"Nope," Ryan answered, "Just got the bank records for you. We're still combing through the cops in the old case files. Where's Castle?"

"Why would I know? He's not normally here at this hour." The boys exchanged a quick glance at her non-answer. If they hadn't known he stayed over, the answer would have been fine. But they did know.

Esposito texted Castle: _didja make her pancakes?_

A minute later, the reply: W_hat?_

Ryan's turn: _thank u sooo mch 4 last nyt pncaks_

A few minutes passed with no response. Finally: _No pancakes. Now quit._

Esposito quietly joked, "Touchy, touchy! Dude even texts with correct spelling and punctuation." Beckett couldn't hear him, but noticed his smirk and Ryan's giggle and hoped they hadn't figured it out already.

"Are you girls about done? We've got a killer to find." She hoped she sounded serious, not uncomfortable.

Her phone chimed. _Did you tell Ryan and Espo?_

She glanced at them. They were watching her. They knew. _Dammit! I couldn't keep it quiet for even 5 minutes!_ She texted Castle back: _No. Looks like they figured it out already._

Her phone chimed again: _Glowing that much?_

She tried not to smile, but they saw it anyway. She texted back a smiley face and put the phone down. "You gonna give me those bank records or sit there smirking, thinking you know something?" Ryan wiped the grin off of his face and jumped to give her the stack of papers. Esposito's expression didn't change one bit.

She sat, pouring through bank records until her eyes crossed. Nothing jumped out. Maybe she should call in a forensic accountant. The boys pulled records on a retired cop but didn't seem too impressed with what they found. They seemed to be coming up with dead ends, too.

She shut her eyes and rubbed her face with both hands. Her mind started to wander to the night before. Not the sex, that was in her head just about nonstop, especially when she looked at Castle's empty chair. The fight.

"_Everyone associated with this case is dead. Everybody," he'd said. "You know me, I'm the guy that says we can move that rubber tree plant. But you know what, I don't think we're gonna win this. Walk away. They're gonna kill you, Kate."_

She needed to talk to the captain. But he still wasn't in. It was unlike him, and she'd been growing more worried as the hours passed.

She let out a growl of irritation and went to the break room to get a coffee.

When she got back to her desk, she decided to call Montgomery.

She told him that Castle said they couldn't win this. "He's right. He's good for you, Kate. And you know it. You're the best I've ever trained, maybe the best I've ever seen. But you weren't having any fun before he came along. But even he couldn't talk any sense into you, could he?"

"Does it matter? The ball's already rolling. If I'm a target, stopping now won't change that."

He told her how they speak for the dead, but they don't owe them their lives. He told her how, in police work, there are no victories, only the battle. He spoke of finding a place to make a stand against the wicked. He told her that if this was her spot, he would stand with her. He sounded so fatalistic, she almost cried. She loved this man. Her mentor, her friend. She truly believed he would stand with her in this battle, maybe even be willing to die fighting it with her.

Kate hung up her phone and composed herself. She was thankful the boys had stepped out a while ago so there was no witness to her overly emotional state.

She took a few deep cleansing breaths and texted Castle: _Any broken bones?_

Her phone rang in response. She beamed when she saw his name on the caller ID. She forewent her customary answer of "Beckett," and answered his call with, "Well, hey there. I kind of expected several calls from you by now."

She could hear the smile in his voice when he said, "Disappointed? Or do you just miss me already?"

"How's the hand?"

"Boxer's fracture. Which is a stupid name because boxers wear gloves and don't typically break their hands. Brawlers and jerks who punch walls, however, often break knuckles and metacarpals. But nothing is out of alignment, so it should heal up just fine. I got one of those Velcro splints. Supposed to keep it immobile for a few days and do no lifting. I go back to get it re-checked in one week. I'll probably have to wear the splint for three weeks."

"So I guess our activities probably made it worse?"

"Kate, if I have to wear a cast for a year because of how last night turned out, it would be worth it."

She twirled her hair and replied with sarcasm, "Mighty fine sentiment since you know the splint's coming off in less than a month."

He laughed. "Want to meet for lunch, or do you want me to bring it there?"

She thought for a moment, then answered, "How about you go home, take a painkiller, because I know your hand has got to hurt; get a nap, because I know you've got to be exhausted, then we'll have dinner tonight."

He agreed to her plan. Ryan and Esposito had come back into the bull pen while she was still on the phone. Ryan startled her when he spoke.

"So how'd Castle hurt his hand?" He wasn't sure she was talking to Castle, but the hair-twirling and the good mood after having him spend the night made it seem like a pretty safe assumption.

"Pillow fight." She delivered her reply with one raised eyebrow and a naughty look that she normally reserved for teasing Castle.

They were intending to harass her about having a dinner date with him, and why he might be so exhausted, but her answer caught them so off-guard, neither one of the boys could come up with a response.

_xxx_

_More to come. Serious stuff coming up. Please review - reviews make me happy!_


	10. Chapter 10

Through the afternoon, the team didn't find anything. Ryan and Esposito headed out to a bar to run something down. They'd seemed to think it would be nothing. Castle appreciated that Kate had kept her word and let him know what was going on even though he wasn't there. He didn't expect anything substantial to be found; at the most, maybe they'd pull some names to look into. That took time, and digging up people's secrets almost never was accomplished in one day. The detectives' work day should have ended as uneventfully as the previous eight hours had been.

Castle was trying to decide on where to take Kate for dinner. He would love to take her somewhere like a picnic on the shore or in a park, but - until Lockwood and his associates were caught - he would keep her out of open spaces as much as possible. He would take her somewhere with high-backed booths and closed curtains. He looked through his closet, trying to simultaneously decide on his clothes and a restaurant. His phone interrupted his thoughts.

It was the Captain.

"Castle, it's Roy. I think I've got something. Get Kate, come to the hangar where we found the chopper. And, Castle? Give me a few minutes to talk to her alone when you get there."

"I'll get her now." He tried to not let himself hope for something big, something that would end this and make her safe. He knew it was probably small, and he didn't want to be disappointed.

Castle called Kate, but it went straight to voice mail. He tried again after 30 seconds, and she picked up. She had just spoken to Montgomery and sounded excited. Castle told her to wait for him and picked her up in less than 15 minutes.

They took the Holland Tunnel to get to Jersey quickly. They went into the hangar together, but Castle stayed back to give them the privacy that Roy had asked for. He couldn't see them, but could hear every word.

Castle's heart broke as Roy Montgomery confessed to Kate Beckett. This was his friend that he played cards with and went to Knicks games with. This was the mentor who encouraged him whenever Kate got a new boyfriend. And, apparently, he was the reason Kate's mother had died. It was his gun that accidentally killed that FBI agent. It was his name that had been removed from the police reports. It was a cover-up beginning with him that got Johanna Beckett and her team murdered, as well as every single other person related to the case.

Castle listened breathlessly as Montgomery told how he dealt with that one horrible sin to catapult him into being the best cop he could be. How he felt like God brought him redemption when he met Kate. How he tried to protect Kate even though he couldn't protect her mother. How he wouldn't give Kate the name of the one calling the shots so she wouldn't go after him and get herself killed.

Castle didn't even realize he had been walking closer as he listened. As he rounded the helicopter and the pair came into view, he saw that Montgomery was armed, but not wearing his Kevlar. Kate's hand was on her holstered weapon, and she was saying, "But that's why you brought me here? To kill me?"

_No. No way. This is wrong. Not Roy. He couldn't._

Castle walked quickly toward them as Montgomery answered, "No. I brought you here to lure them."

Castle didn't think his heart could break anymore, but it did. Kate's voice faltered as she realized that Montgomery knew she was being watched, followed, and that he used her to bait _them_.

_Them? Lockwood and his backup. They're all here. Shit._

"Castle, get her out of here."

Castle wanted to argue, to fight. Lockwood had two accomplices in the courtroom. It would be a fair fight. Roy and Kate were both armed, and he'd bet anything that both of them had a concealed weapon as well. He could use it. He would fight.

But Roy cut him off at one syllable.

They were coming. He could see their car. But Kate wouldn't move. She forgave Roy. Her raw emotion shredded all that was left of Rick's heart. Roy told her this was his spot. Whatever that meant, it made sense to Kate.

The car approached faster now. Roy yelled at him.

He grabbed Kate up, carried her out kicking and screaming, using every ounce of strength to not let her go. As he slammed through the door, Castle could hear the car's tires on the pavement. They were here. Roy was about to die.

She sobbed, "Rick, please…" and he finally allowed her feet to touch the ground. But he wouldn't let her walk. He couldn't. She would run back in there in a heartbeat.

Roy knew what he was up against. He knew that, if it was a fight they could win together, they would have fought it together. Whatever Roy knew but didn't share made Castle believe that Kate couldn't be in there at his side.

He pushed her against his car. He pinned her. He was bigger and stronger. She could have fought him. She didn't have the heart to. He needed her to be quiet. They'd come for her if they heard her cries. He covered his mouth to show her. He covered her mouth to muffle her sobs. He had to calm her down. He had to quiet her. How do you calm someone down when you're jumping out of your skin yourself? He stroked her hair. He shushed her. He begged her.

_Six shots_. He couldn't stop the tears from falling. She was nearly hyperventilating. He stroked her cheek. _Two more shots_. "I'm so sorry, Kate. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She touched his check. Leaned into him. She was quiet. Crying against his shoulder.

_One last shot_. They both recognized the difference in the sound. Roy's double-barreled pistol. They'd admired it at the firing range. It had to be over. Roy got the last shot.

He let her go. He couldn't make himself go, not yet. He heard her uncontrolled sobs. He knew his friend was gone.

He held onto the car unsure that he could stand on his own. As he finally turned to face what awaited him in the hangar, he called Esposito.

"Yo, Cas-"

"Montgomery's dead. And Lockwood."

Silence, then, "Christ. Where?"

_xxx_

_The Hangar Scene from inside Rick Castle's head. I hope it was as interesting to you as it was to me._

_More to come. Please review - reviews make me happy!_


	11. Chapter 11

Castle had always marveled at Beckett's strength and compassion when she had to inform a family that their loved one had been murdered. This was one notification she couldn't handle. But they went anyway. The four of them.

They were supposed to stay to give their statements to IA. They knew they'd catch all kinds of hell for leaving the hangar, but they couldn't be there anymore. Uniforms secured the scene. Castle and Beckett left. They met up with Ryan and Esposito and rode together. Through tears, they told the boys everything that Roy had said and done.

One of the Montgomery girls saw the headlights in the driveway and opened the door before they knocked. Detectives Ryan and Esposito in front. Detective Beckett and Mr. Castle just behind them. They were holding hands… but not affectionately. More like supporting each other. The girl was trying to make sense of the sight. She _knew_ as soon as she saw Detective Beckett's red, swollen eyes.

"MOM!"

His wife came out from the kitchen. She saw them at her door, still 30 feet away. They saw it on her face when she realized she was no longer "wife," but "widow." "_No_. No, no, no. He's retiring in a month. NO!" The other daughter came down the stairs.

This was more than they could take. Kate stepped forward and went to Mrs. Montgomery and held her in a tight embrace. The girls both cried at their mother's side. The men stood, tears rolling down their cheeks.

They knew the dreaded questions were coming, and weren't sure how they would answer.

"How?" "Why?" "Who?"

Castle told Montgomery's family that he took down five professional assassins single-handedly. That they were sent to kill Detective Beckett by whoever had ordered the murder of her mother and at least six others. That he was a hero. He hoped it would give them some comfort. Or at least some pride in his sacrifice.

xxx

They went back to the hangar to give their statements. IA was furious. Castle took the man's flogging without a word.

But when the man lit into Beckett, Castle shoved him and growled, "_Fuck off_. She'll give her statement when she's good and ready."

He wrapped his arms around her protectively and led her away. The man's partner had to talk him down from arresting Castle on the spot. The partner conducted the rest of the questioning.

Castle stayed at Kate's side through the entire interview. He knew it was unprofessional, but he kept one arm around her and used his other hand to cover both of hers, folded in her lap, the whole time. If she'd minded, he would have moved it. But she seemed to need him there.

When she was done with her statement - which left out Roy's confession of his part in past crimes - Castle said he needed to check in with home and waved Ryan over. She just nodded. He kissed the side of her head and excused himself when Ryan took a seat on Kate's other side.

He called home, hoping Martha would answer. No such luck. "Hey Pumpkin. …I love you. How was your day? …. That sounds great. …. I'm fine, Sweetheart. Rough day is all. … Yes, I- I'll tell you about it tomorrow. Is Grams there? … Hey, Mother. Just checking in. … No, Mother, I'm fine- no, I'm not fine. Montgomery's dead. He killed the men hunting Kate, but he didn't make it through the shootout. … Okay. …. Okay, I will. … I love you too. Kiss Alexis for me. I need to call Kate's dad. ... Okay. 'Night."

His daughter and mother knew from his voice that something horrible had happened. He knew he had to tell them something before they saw it on the morning news. They needed to know he was safe. He hoped his simple stammering let his mother know that it seemed to be over, and that she would explain it to Alexis.

Two hours later, Castle took Kate back to her apartment. He wanted to take her to his loft, but she didn't want to process the night in the presence of Martha and Alexis. _She's so predictable, _he thought when she insisted on going home. She was surprised to see her father waiting outside her door.

Rick let go of her hand - he'd been holding it nearly all night - for her to hug her father.

The older man didn't try to hide his pain of knowing what happened tonight and relief at holding his baby girl, safe and sound.

"Thank you," Jim said to Rick as he led his daughter into her apartment.

Rick followed, briefly, and stopped in the doorway to tell Kate he needed to go hug his own daughter. He kissed her forehead and said, "I'll be back soon."

Rick shook Jim's hand and left. He could hear Kate asking her father how he knew as the door closed. He could hear the deadbolt click and knew that the answer he couldn't hear was, "Rick called." Leaving her building, he paused to look at the two fist-sized holes in the wall. His mind reeled at all that had transpired in the 30 hours since he showed up here, trying to tell her to just let it go.

Though it was the wee hours of the morning, he was greeted by his mother and daughter jumping up from the couch as soon as they heard his key in the lock, rushing to hug him. He gave the obligatory admonishment that sounded stupid even to him, that they should have gone to bed. Without any thought, he collapsed on the couch, sitting and staring into the very blackest edge of the universe. He told them everything that had happened that night, omitting only Roy's confession, and very nearly broke down. Alexis snuggled close to his side, and fell asleep sitting there with him. He finally succumbed to weariness and slept with his head leaned against his daughter's.

He didn't sleep well, and he didn't sleep long. Gunshots echoed in his dreams:_ Six… two… one_. Kate's sobs. When he woke, it was almost dawn. He carefully laid Alexis down on the couch and went to shower. As though a shower could wash away the terrible truth. The warm water cascaded over his tired shoulders.

_Roy had known all along. He knew Pulgotti went to prison for a death he was responsible for. He knew who had orchestrated the cover up. How could he know for all these years and ever look Kate Beckett in the eye? Why did he keep telling us to "find that son of a bitch," when he _was_ the son of a bitch? Did he want us to figure it out? After Raglan and McAllister, did he believe himself to be next? Why didn't he call in the whole team and let us fight at his side? Why had he made it a suicide mission?_

Rick was enraged and heartbroken over what his friend had done. His lack of answers was infuriating. He wanted to punch another wall.

The only answer he had was in the first thing Montgomery had told Kate: _"I can't go to jail for this."_ The opening line to his confession mingled with Rick's memory of their conversation after Roy recently brought down his friend, DA Lou Karnacki, for withholding evidence and knowingly prosecuting an innocent man:

_"Lou screwed up, but that doesn't take away from the good he's done." I told him that the only thing people would remember about Karnacki was this one bad thing.__Was that what made him go in alone without his vest? It had to be._

The irony that Castle usually loved made him hate himself at that moment. Hidden evidence, framing a thug, being found out, all the good being forgotten because one bad thing.

_Would it have been different if I had said something else? Instead of pointing out how he ruined his legacy?_ Rick felt sick.

It was too early to wake his mother, so he left her a note. "Checking on Kate." He knew Alexis should be waking for school, so he went to the couch and kissed her cheek. "Lexie? Wake up."

She rubbed her eyes and sat up a little. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just going to go check on Kate, and I didn't want you to worry when you woke up."

She nodded.

"Look, you stayed up late worrying about me. If you need to stay home from school today, you can. It would be justified." He knew she wouldn't cut school just because she was sleepy. He knew she would need permission and justification, but would still make the decision on her own. She just nodded again.

Then she reached up and hugged him. "I'm so sorry, Daddy."

_xxx_

_Yeah, I know that was a downer, but you knew it was coming. I mean, you already saw the episode. The next chapter starts headin back towards fluff._

_And sorry for the bad words - I don't talk like that IRL. I kept changing it, but then kept changing it back._

_Please review - reviews make me happy!_


	12. Chapter 12

Castle brought a sack full of bagels for Kate and Jim. Rick didn't bother to hide his closeness with Kate from her father. He sat close to her on the couch while they talked, touched her lightly when he thought she needed the contact, held her in his warm embrace when she couldn't hold it together. Jim acted like it was the most natural thing to witness this between Rick and his daughter. He soon excused himself to go to work, quietly asking Rick to take care of her. "She's not as strong as she acts," he said.

Rick lightly caressed Kate's cheek. She was trying to be strong, to get herself under control, but his tender gesture made tears well up again. He simply pulled her in and held her. He didn't know for how long.

Her juice sat untouched on the coffee table in front of them. She picked at a bagel. She looked lost. Finally, Kate looked Rick square in the eye and asked, "Do you still think we can't win this?"

He knew it was the wrong answer, but was unsure of why it felt wrong. He said it anyway: "Yes."

Her bottom lip quivered as she tried valiantly to maintain composure.

He looked at the floor. "Hell, Kate, I don't know. Maybe we could, one day, figure out who is behind all this…. But at what cost? Will it be worth it? How many bodies of people we love will be lowered into the ground because we've _got_ to find the man behind the curtain?" He sighed. "Sometimes bad guys get away with their crimes. Roy killed Lockwood's team, but who's to say he won't just hire another team?"

He looked back up, into her eyes. "I can't lose you, Kate."

She saw total heartbreak all over his face. A solitary tear spilled out as she squeezed her eyes shut, shook her head ever so slightly, and rested her forehead against his collar.

He rubbed her back slowly and whispered into her hair, "I wouldn't survive it."

She felt the same way about him, but couldn't manage to get any words to come out. So she kissed him. Softly, and full of tenderness. Then she settled her head back against his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him.

Eventually, he leaned back so they were laying on the couch, with her slightly on top of him. They had barely slept at all the last two nights. Exhausted, but fully comfortable and comforted in each other's arms, they both drifted off to sleep.

…

When they woke, it was late afternoon. Both had messages on their phones and needed to make contact with loved ones who were worried about them. Ryan and Esposito had already given in to worry and were on their way to Beckett's apartment when she called them back. Kate told them to come over anyway.

Castle was close at Beckett's side. Ryan gave him a questioning look when he saw Castle touch her knee while they talked. Castle returned a glare that _dared_ Ryan to say anything about it in front of her.

They talked at length about what had happened. The boys told them about Yanavich and how they found out Montgomery was the third cop. They gave Castle and Beckett a forensic play-by-play of what happened during the shootout, according to blood trails and spatter. Castle and Beckett told them again, including any details they missed the night before, about all Roy had confessed.

Ryan hung his head, fidgeted, then begged, "But why? Why couldn't he just tell us? Why couldn't he let us help?"

Castle hated to be the one spinning theories right then, but his was the only one they had. Kate nodded her approval for him to share. "He didn't want the one bad thing he had done to erase the legacy of all the good he had done. He wouldn't risk jail, couldn't put his family through that. He wanted to go out a hero."

Beckett picked up when Castle stopped. She looked her three favorite men in the eye, one by one. "No one… no one outside of this immediate family _ever_ needs to know about this. As far as the world is concerned, Roy Montgomery died a hero. We owe it to him. All of us."

None of them objected.

She asked to be left alone for a while. Ryan and Esposito simply nodded, rose from their seats, and headed for the door. She rose to walk them out, and Rick followed. Once their friends were in the hall, he stepped in closely, took both of Kate's hands in his, and asked, "You sure you want to be alone?"

She nodded, leaned against his chest, and softly answered, "Go home. I'll be okay…. I'll call you when I need you. I think I want to just watch an old movie by myself." With the boys not able to see her, she didn't bother wearing the strong mask. She again looked lost.

He nodded. He was amazed that she'd let him comfort her as much as she had, and equally amazed that she'd just said aloud that she needs him. He gave her a chaste kiss and stepped out into the hallway, closing the door behind him.

Ryan and Esposito were standing there waiting for him. They easily heard his exchange with Kate and could see their shadows holding hands, leaning in, giving a little kiss. They both gave him a look that shouted, "You're a punk for not telling us sooner, and give us details!"

Ryan spoke up first. "Dude, you specifically said there were no pancakes. You know pancakes is code for-"

"_I know_ what pancakes is code for," interrupted Castle, walking away. As soon as the other two stepped to catch up, he continued, "There wasn't _time_ for pancakes." The devilish look on his face told them that Code Word Pancakes took up all the time for real pancakes. At least that's what he thought he conveyed.

Esposito got it. Ryan still looked confused. He began to ask, "Wait, you mean real pancakes or-"

Esposito cut him off, "He means they were too… involved… to have time for breakfast."

Castle smiled at Ryan's look of understanding and Esposito's "you dumbass" look aimed at Ryan.

Castle knew better than to discuss having sex with Beckett with these two, but they honestly all needed to talk about something other than Roy Montgomery's death.

And he knew that they would keep asking until he admitted it. And he was kind of proud of himself for getting the honor of being with her. In fact, he couldn't wait until they could go somewhere flashy and public so that it would end up on Page Six. He wanted the whole world to know the he had _finally arrived_. No success had ever mattered to him so much as this one did.

He almost felt guilty walking out of her building with a big smile on his face from just thinking about her while she was up there alone and miserable.

As he felt the pang of guilt beginning set in, he tamed it into positive thinking, planning how to make her smile again.

_xxx_

_Go click review now!_

_They've got two days until the funeral. Castle's on a mission to make Kate smile. After such heavy chapters, we all need some fluff!_


	13. Chapter 13

_*** A/N: If you don't know what MST3K was, google it now.***_

Castle decided he needed a movie, too. Alexis - who did in fact stay home from the first half of the school day - popped popcorn and picked a movie guaranteed to make him feel better. It was his favorite space cowboy movie, complete with quickdraw gunfights, space hookers, and a crazy psychic girl. He'd said many times that he wished he could be that captain.

They talked through the movie, talking to the characters on screen, shouting at them and laughing at them as if the characters could hear the silly running commentary. When it was over, Alexis asked, "Remember when I was little, and we would play Mystery Science Theater 3000 with my girly movies?"

"That was because I couldn't take hearing _My Little Pony_ after the 500th time."

She rolled her eyes. "You know you had fun making up dialogue for Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash."

He smiled and rolled his eyes back at her. She gestured to the credits rolling on the screen. "This movie would be perfect for MST3K."

He grinned and agreed. Alexis grinned, too, simply because she had gotten him to really smile in the middle of a time of heartbreaking loss.

…

Kate sat in her yoga pants and a tee shirt sipping a mug of hot tea. When she was really depressed, she never drank alcohol. It would be too easy to end up like her father did after her mother was killed. She turned on a black and white movie, but didn't watch it. She stared through the TV, wondering what would have been if she'd let it go. If she hadn't kept going to see Lockwood week after week in prison. Maybe she was wearing him down, and Roy had been wrong when he said she wasn't the target that Lockwood was after.

_Maybe he was about to break, so they needed him out and me dead._

_Or maybe his little comment about me not being able to hide from 'him' was just to scare me off because I didn't have a clue who they were after, and they wanted it to stay that way._

_Who was the original target? Me, or somebody else?_

_Who the hell is behind all this?_

She rubbed her eyes and wanted to scream.

Kate went to her computer and pulled up pictures of Roy Montgomery and Hal Lockwood. She grabbed her post-it pad and scotch tape, and went to the window next to her mother's "murder board." She filled in all she knew, leaving spaces for pictures of Lockwood's team, Raglan, and McAllister. She would get pictures of them from the precinct. When her memory was tapped out of details, she stepped back.

Looking at the two windows, she wondered if she was going crazy.

Memories she couldn't stop flashed into her mind. Crazy stalker-types who had obsessed until they snapped. Most killed someone, and that was why she saw their pictures and writing stuck to their walls. She had seen one as a shrine to Richard Castle, and one dedicated to killing her.

She backed away further from the windows like they were covered in poison. Castle's words echoed in her head again, _"Walk away."_

She turned and hurried to her room. She sat on her bed with her knees tucked in tight under her chin, hugging her shins, rocking just a little. She couldn't make sense of anything; she was overloaded with emotions and jumbled thoughts.

She grabbed her phone and called Rick. As soon as he answered, she began to calm. "Castle, I need you." She sounded frantic and pleading.

"I'll be right there." Alexis and Martha had already gone to bed, and he was in his office trying to write something - anything - when she called. It was after midnight. He left them another quick note on the counter and grabbed his keys.

When he arrived, he could tell she'd been crying. He immediately hugged her tightly; just held her until he felt her pounding heart settle down. As he guided her towards the couch, he saw the windows. He studied the new "murder board" for a couple of minutes, reading all of her notes. He loved how her mind worked.

Then he turned to her and said matter-of-factly, "You're going to have to take these down. Both of them. We will solve this at work. This _cannot_ consume your life."

He closed the shutters with finality. He desperately wanted to rip the murder boards down himself, but knew she needed to be the one to do it. He hoped it would happen soon.

Then he took her hand and said, "Come on." He led her to the couch, with their backs to the windows. "Alexis and I watched a movie tonight, and she reminded me of a great game we used to play. And right now, you and I are going to play it." He grabbed her _Pride and Prejudice_ disk and set the TV to 'mute.' Kate looked at him like he was crazy, but, five minutes into the movie, his goofy made-up dialogue had her giggling. After ten minutes, she was in stitches. After ten more, she was joining in, making one of the characters sing all her lines opera-style.

During a particularly romantic scene, Rick began quoting _Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail_, ending with Mr. Darcy leaning in for a kiss, saying, "You have very large... tracts of land!" Rick was gesturing very large breasts with both hands. Kate had tears rolling down her cheeks from laughing so hard.

But when Mr. Darcy actually made that kiss connect, so did Kate.

_xxx_

_Hey, you! You know you liked it. Let me know you liked it!_

_Please review - reviews make me so very happy! More to come._


	14. Chapter 14

Rick was instantly lost in her kiss. It was hungry and fervent. And incredibly hot.

She had needed him. She was about to go over the edge looking at her two murder boards and needed him to pull her back. She couldn't walk away from her horrible past without having goodness in her future to walk towards. She needed him, and he was there.

He'd made her laugh. Hysterically. She was able to let go of the pain for a few minutes to enjoy the goodness he brought into her life. It reminded her she was, in fact, still alive. She needed to feel more of that.

She kissed him while they were both still laughing and pulled herself into his lap. His response was instantaneous.

It was fiery and passionate, both them of desperate to feel more, taste more, touch more, give more. If their first night together had been about fulfilling their desire for one other, this was about how thoroughly they _needed_ one another. The race to be skin to skin was won in seconds, leaving a trail of clothing from the couch to her bed.

Every touch sent electricity through them. Every kiss delivered CPR. They were the only two people in the world, and they both felt alive.

They didn't bother with foreplay - they'd just had almost three years of it. Their compulsion to show the other exactly what they felt rose to near-competitive levels, trying to drive their partner insane with sensation and sentiment.

They found a rhythm that was excruciatingly good.

He kissed her ear and asked if she knew what she did to him when she bit her bottom lip. She smiled and nodded ever so slightly.

He kissed her neck then went to her other ear. "What about when you chew on a pen?" Her smile grew broader, telling him she knew that, too.

He moved and made her eyes roll back in her head. "Do you know how many times you've rolled your eyes at me, and I just wanted to take you and do that…" -he did it again- "to make your eyes roll back in your head?"

She moaned. The sound robbed him of his concentration. His slow rhythm faltered and he had to remember to breathe.

He locked his eyes on hers and asked, "Do you know that you're the only woman I've _ever _called 'extraordinary'?" Her eyes widened in surprise, clearly expressing she hadn't known that, but she couldn't answer because he was kissing her again.

From a man who valued words so much, this admission that she was the only one to deserve that word meant worlds to her.

He hadn't expected her to reciprocate in the verbal exchange. She was giving plenty, physically, eliciting responses from his body that left him with no words.

So he was surprised when, between moans of pleasure, she whispered, "Did you know that you have been my refuge every day since my mother died?" He was nibbling her shoulder when she spoke, and the weight of her words stunned him. He froze. She looked into his eyes. "I fell in love with your mind, your wild theories, and your ability to draw me out of my pain _years_ before we even met."

She flipped them over and was on top of him. She made his eyes roll back in his head, then continued, "But that was based on your fiction. Between it being fiction and knowing your public image, I knew it wasn't real."

She kissed his chest, leaving her mark just below his collarbone, making him suck in a sharp breath. He placed his hands on her hips, encouraging her rhythm. His eyes searched her face for where she was going with her admission… but she was making it difficult to focus.

Then he asked, "What about now?"

She moved in a way that blurred his vision and made him stop breathing altogether until she leaned back down on him, teasing his ear with her breath. "Now it's real."

He swiftly bear hugged her to flip them back over and used no restraint in overflowing her with an ecstasy matching his own.

_xxx_

_Review before you go get your ice water!_


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: I still can't believe I actually wrote AND published that last chapter! I'm going to hell. Well, maybe not. It wasn't THAT salacious._

_xxx_

When Rick woke late the next morning, the sheets next to him were cold. He pulled on his boxers and went to find Kate. Or breakfast. Hopefully both. They had eaten next to nothing the day before. He came out to find Kate dressed for a run, sitting in her favorite chair, with an empty cereal bowl on the coffee table and a spiral notebook in her lap.

He came up behind her, wrapped his arm over her chest, and placed a slow kiss on the top of her head. There he remained, taking in the scent of her shampoo. His words came out muffled against her hair.

"Decided to become a famous novelist yourself?"

She let out a small breath of a laugh.

He nodded. "Mmm-hmm. I knew I was inspiring in bed, but I wasn't expecting to become your muse."

She sighed, and he couldn't tell if she was amused. She held up her notebook so he could see what she was writing. The eulogy. She'd been asked to speak at the funeral. She was actually about done, but kept going over it, not sure it was perfect.

He nodded against her hair. "Want help?"

She shook her head no.

He wasn't quite sure what to do or say, so he went to fix himself a bowl of cereal. He sat reclined across the couch, ankles crossed, cereal bowl on his stomach, trying to not distract Kate while she wrote. His phone was on the coffee table where it had been abandoned along with their movie the night before, so he began texting Alexis while crunching his breakfast.

His attempt at busying himself so as to not distract Kate was failing miserably. The sight of Richard Castle in his boxers, munching and smiling at whatever his sweet daughter had texted back… _he is just too cute._ That little thought captured her mind. _Hmmm… cute's not quite the right word. That chest… those shoulders and biceps…mmmm… he's delicious._

She tried so hard to shake it off and focus to come up with the right words.

When he glanced back up at her, she was biting her bottom lip, concentrating hard on her notebook. But she wasn't writing.

"Writer's block?" he asked with a little smirk. He was trying to keep it light, hoping she wouldn't get that lost look again.

She got up and joined him on the couch, lifting his legs then placing them on her lap then her notebook on top of them.

"I don't think my shins have ever been used as a desk before." His eyes twinkled.

She finally smiled. "I don't think I can finish this right now. What do you do when you're too distracted to write?"

Rick thought she was distracted by her demons, not by him being right there nearly naked, so he tried to make it better. He pivoted, reached down, and scooped her legs up onto his lap, reversing how they had been sitting a moment before. Then he began massaging her feet.

The relaxing and sensual act was turning her brain to goo. She melted into the soft cushions and mumbled, "Aaaah… better stop before you give me a Castlegasm."

They both froze, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, realizing what she accidentally said out loud. She covered her mouth with both hands in horror, while he triumphantly shouted "A 'Castlegasm'? I _KNEW_ it! I _knew_ you were on my fan boards! They just made up 'Castlegasm' last week! ...Are you the one that invented a pie in my honor? _Come on_! I_ bet _you were. Only someone who knows me would have picked _those_ ingredients!"

She still looked horrified, shaking her head no. She was thinking, _Oh. My. God. He read THAT thread? He'd better not figure out which one I am_. She refused to say another word, but couldn't stop herself from turning beet red.

"This is too good! Did you participate in the thread about how to make an ice cream sundae out of me? I bet you did! I've got to go back and re-read the last few hundred posts to figure out which one you are. How many posts are on that thread, now?"

She thought,_ About 1,000. _But she didn't move her hands from her mouth, didn't stop shaking her head _NO_, and definitely didn't say even one single word.

His voice had gone up nearly an octave in his excitement. He couldn't be grinning any bigger. "OH. MY. GOD! I BET…" -his voice dropped like he was about to tell a secret- "I bet you're the one who wanted to be the cherry on top!"

His eyebrows were raised as high as they could go and he was very nearly squealing in delight!

"I didn't post that," she replied quickly and breathlessly. She wasn't the one who had posted it, but she had agreed with that post. She abruptly got up and locked herself in the bathroom.

And of course, Castle followed. He stood outside the bathroom door, grinning, trying to bait her into admitting something. "It had to be you! You _know_ I love how you smell like cherries. When I read that post… I thought of you." He was now using a mocking sing-song voice.

She had to stop this. It was humiliating. But she kind of liked that he thought that she would indulge in anonymously and shamelessly objectifying him. He was trying to think of all the cherry-related posts while she came up with a plan to distract him from his single-track train of thought.

He thought she was probably angry and definitely embarrassed, but he couldn't make himself stop.

When she finally opened the door, he gasped in surprise. She wasn't angry. She wasn't embarrassed. She was naked.

"You talk too much." She roughly shoved him back into her room and completely derailed his ability to even remember what he'd been teasing her about.

_xxx_

_Yep, I'm a sinner. I'm glad Jesus loves me anyway. You better write me some reviews! __More coming tomorrow._


	16. Chapter 16

She read over her notes for the funeral and picked up her dress blues from the dry cleaners. She had barely made it before they closed. She had to rush, but she was glad she wouldn't have to do it in the morning before the funeral.

After a late lunch, she and Rick had gone on a walk with no destination. They simply walked, enjoying each other's company, talking about anything and everything. Rick could make just about any subject interesting or funny. He was reluctant to leave her, afraid she'd retreat into a dark place deep within.

But she didn't. She'd sent him home so she could run errands, and she planned to meet at his place later for dinner. She was touched by his thoughtfulness when he asked if it was okay to invite her father for dinner, too. She went about her afternoon with a completely healthy mix of joy and pain. She didn't torture herself with what-ifs. Every time she started to blame herself, she simply thought of the writer who turned her life inside out.

His corny jokes, his perfect hair, his brilliant ideas, his broad chest… then she had to distract herself from those thoughts before she crashed her Harley.

xxx

Kate decided to go to the visitation early and not stay long. It may be bad form, but she honestly didn't think she could sit there with his family, reminiscing about happy memories, when his final admission was locked away inside her head. Her last memories of him were painfully raw. His widow would understand.

She chose to go alone instead of with Rick for two reasons: She wanted to be able to bow out without him feeling obligated to leave before he was ready, and her father wanted to drive her to dinner. She needed some alone time with him.

She wore a classic black dress that she didn't really like, but was appropriate. She would be in uniform tomorrow, but it wasn't required tonight. Stalling as long as she could, she spoke briefly to colleagues and friends. She hugged Mrs. Montgomery once again, but couldn't find any words for her. She forced herself to go to the casket. She stared at the vacant body that had housed her cherished boss, thinking about all he had done for her. Despite his involvement, she really did forgive him. She gently touched the mahogany box and whispered, "Thank you." Then she slipped out the door without a word.

xxx

Her dad picked her up go to dinner at the Castles'. The drive wasn't very long, so he didn't waste time before asking, "How're you holding up, Katie?"

"Better than expected."

"Does Rick have anything to do with that?"

She thought for a few seconds. "He has everything to do with that."

He nodded. "I thought so. I'm glad."

xxx

Their evening was light and fun, only briefly talking about the investigation and about Roy. With Martha, Alexis, and Jim present, it was easy for Rick and Kate to just sit together and listen to everyone else for a while.

Rick didn't realize he had omitted telling his family about the change in his relationship with Kate. As far as they knew, he had been there comforting her as her friend and partner. But within minutes of the Becketts' arrival, the new relationship was obvious.

Martha simply accepted it, not even trying to hide her satisfaction that it had finally happened. Alexis, however, slipped out of the room after her father excused himself and pulled him into his study, shutting the door behind them.

She put her hands on her hips and gave him "the look."

"What did I do? Am I in trouble?" He looked confused and a little bit scared.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"You and Kate!" She had this great way of shouting in a whisper.

"Oh… Umm.."

"So you are 'together' now? When did that happen?"

"Yes. And the day before Roy…" She nodded, appraising his answers.

"Alexis?" He looked serious. "I was on my way to the bathroom. Can I go now?"

She smiled. "Yeah. And I'm happy for you and Kate."

xxx

When Jim took his daughter home at the end of the evening, he was a content man.

He had spent so much time worrying about Katie after Johanna died. She was a different person after it happened. She had always been strong, determined, and proud. But, when she was younger, she was joyful.

That part of her had disappeared for years. She had moments of fun and happiness, sure, but not joy. When Castle forced himself into her life, she began to have more happiness, more fun. Jim could hear it in her voice, see it in her eyes. He recognized when the light in her eyes returned as she talked about her silly, obnoxious partner. When she mentioned more than a year ago how Lanie, Esposito, and Captain Montgomery had all accused her of having something with Castle, he agreed with them.

She scoffed, "Daddy, you've never even met the man."

He shrugged and said, "I don't have to. I know you."

This night, this dinner with Richard Castle and his family, had healed a piece of his heart. His baby girl had found love, and joy had returned to her smile. It was the real and lasting kind.

Rick clearly felt the same way about her. The way he watched her, knew just how she liked her coffee, could make her laugh so easily, and made her feel at home with his family. And it didn't hurt that he was a multi-millionaire.

They had an easy conversation in the car about what a riot Martha was, then he got out to walk Kate up to her apartment.

Jim had noticed the splint on Rick's hand during dinner and asked about it. Rick tried to make light of it, saying he got hurt trying to help someone who didn't want to be helped, but the way he said it sounded like it was on the Job, and maybe a suspect or victim had hurt him.

But seeing the twin holes in the stairwell wall of Kate's building made him re-evaluate Rick's answer. "What happened here?"

The way he studied her let her know he'd already figured it out. He was just trying to make sure Rick didn't have a violent streak that may someday be unleashed on her.

She sighed. "You told him to come talk me down…. So did Montgomery…. I… I didn't take it well. After this," she gestured toward the holes, "he realized I hadn't locked my deadbolt. He came back up to just stand in the hall and keep watch."

Jim considered this information. Then he nodded his approval and started back up the stairs. "He seems like a good man, Katie."

She smiled. "He is."

He hugged her at her door. "Call if you need anything. I'll pick you up for the funeral at 2."

_xxx_

_Please write me a review!_


	17. Chapter 17

Kate woke up with the imagined sound of bagpipes in her ears. Today was the day. They would lay Roy Montgomery's body to rest. It was over.

The entire precinct would be working overtime trying to find out who orchestrated this- unpaid OT, of course. And no one would mind doing it. The mayor had already set up a task force, which her team would be joining, starting tomorrow. She didn't like that she'd been forced to sit out the last two days, but could concede that it was the best thing for her.

But her team had been through, around, and over everything multiple times. She knew deep down the task force would come up empty. It was over… for now.

She wiped the sleep from her eyes and thought about her dreams.

She'd dreamt again about McAllister telling her she had no idea what she was up against. _You woke the dragon._ The dream turned into a nightmare, with a dragon chasing her. McAllister's words echoed during the chase. She kept fighting it, but just couldn't win.

With this recurring nightmare, she usually woke up as a great burst of fire erupted from between the dragon's yellow fangs and was just about to engulf her in flames.

But this was the first nightmare she'd had since things changed with Rick. This time, the fire didn't come because Rick suddenly joined her in the fight, a white knight with a giant fountain pen instead of a sword, and the dragon just faded away.

She decided not to tell him about the dream because she didn't want to hear how many lame "The pen is mightier than the sword" jokes he could come up with for a week.

She glanced at her two windows with murder boards behind the closed shutters, picked up her iPod, and went for a run.

She couldn't take the boards down- not yet- but she hadn't looked at them since Rick closed them. Into her fifth mile, her chest began to squeeze, and she enjoyed the feeling of her heart pounding and blood pumping, knowing she was alive and finally had something good to live for.

She would bury her friend this afternoon, but she would not let this case bury her.

xxx

Castle woke to the smell of bacon and eggs. It smelled good, not burnt, so he decided Alexis was the chef.

It was going to be a rough day. Waking up the last three mornings in Kate's bed had already spoiled him. He really didn't want to wake up alone anymore. Or sleep alone, for that matter. Alone in his luxurious bed, the nightmares came back. He had gotten used to them many years ago, reminding him of things he shouldn't have seen as a child, of terrors that could fall on Alexis, and of how terribly things could have ended up all those times he'd saved Kate.

But, sleeping in her arms, either the dreams didn't come, or she nudged him before they got too bad and the dreams ended. He didn't know which; he just knew he didn't remember having nightmares once morning arrived.

Last night's dream was haunting. He kept reaching to her side of the bed, knowing she was supposed to be there, but she wasn't. He could hear her calling his name for help. He couldn't find her. She was supposed to be right there, close enough to smell. He frantically searched for her. He could her crying, muffled, like from the other side of a door. At some point he knew it was a dream, but couldn't make himself wake up. He heard her begging him for help, pleading for him to find her, sobbing without restraint… all night long. It was pure torture.

He stumbled out of bed and headed to the kitchen. Alexis greeted him with a smile. "How'd you sleep?

"Like crap. But breakfast smells good." He gave her a smile of thanks.

He ate in silence, preoccupied with memories of Kate crying and Roy's suicide mission and trying to figure out who could have caused his personal hell.

Alexis quietly came around the kitchen island and hugged him. She tried to offer encouraging words. This hurt her, too, but she'd only met Captain Montgomery a few times, so her pain was empathy for her father and for Kate.

She brought him a mug of coffee; he grunted a thanks. He looked so lost.

She finally said she was going to go iron her dress for the funeral. He pulled her to him in a loving hug and thanked her for just being her.

Xxx

There would be a church service, a formal funeral procession, and then a graveside service. The press was not allowed to attend, with the exception of three reporters with no cameras.

The service was at the Baptist church the Montgomery family attended regularly. The pastor gave a message on forgiveness and redemption. No one but Beckett's team knew the depths of the appropriateness of the message. Rick noticed Kate take several deep breaths as the pastor spoke. He knew she was clearing away the lump in her throat. She had on her strong mask. He also knew that the mask would crumble once they were alone. As pall bearers, they sat up front. Side by side. From the pews behind them, no one could see them holding hands. Just as they were when they approached the Montgomery family home, their hands were joined in mutual support.

Rick was amazed that this courageous woman next to him showed no anger towards the man whose crime led to her mother's death. Rick was trying to forgive him, too, but hadn't managed it yet. But he cared enough about the man to still be able to mourn his loss, knowing that the world had lost a truly great man. He couldn't imagine what kind of guilt Montgomery must have carried around with him. Roy lived with the heartache every day, just as Kate had.

As the pastor spoke of how Christ died to pay the price for all our sins so we could be forgiven, Rick pondered if he would ever be able to completely forgive Roy for causing Kate so much pain.

_xxx_

_Please write me a review! Favorite part? Mine is how Kate feels as she's running... since we all know what's coming up._

_More tomorrow!_


	18. Chapter 18

They rode together in the town car during the procession. There seemed to be hundreds of vehicles representing every law enforcement and rescue agency within two hours. The procession route to the cemetery had been blockaded and the cemetery secured. No one but the employees of the cemetery and attendees of the funeral would be there, considering the VIPs and the slim possibility of another attack. They sat for what seemed like hours waiting for everyone to arrive at the cemetery before they exited their car. Rick barely spoke the whole time, knowing that Kate was struggling to maintain her composure; he didn't want to accidentally say the wrong thing and upset her. If she didn't have to speak, maybe he wouldn't worry so much about protecting her from tears.

He jumped a little when she broke the silence. She spoke softly. "He commented once…" she shook her head and rolled her eyes, "that it was sad that one of our vics had to die because everyone was too scared to say how they really felt."

Rick wondered where that out-of-the-blue comment came from. "When was that?"

"Before you left for the Hamptons…. After he said it, he stepped aside so I was looking directly at you. You came to tell me you were taking Alexis to Princeton for the summer program, and you gave me a funny look, like the look on my face confused you."

Rick looked confused right then, too. He quietly said, "I remember that."

"He knew back then that I cared about you."

"You did? But… you were with Demming. You seemed so… into him. I was surprised when I got back that you had broken up."

Her voice was so low, he barely heard her response. "I broke up with him then."

Rick was thoroughly confused. "When?"

"As soon as you walked out to take Alexis to Princeton."

Rick's mouth opened, but he said nothing. He looked at her sad face for a long time. The reason was written all over it, but he couldn't believe it. So he whispered, "Why?"

She looked into his eyes, and the answer was clear.

He looked down in shame. "That's what you were going to say when Gina walked up."

She nodded.

"That's why everyone hated me when I came back…. I knew it was more than me not calling, but I never could figure out what."

She nodded again.

"I'm so sorry, Kate. I'm so very sorry." He pulled her into a secure embrace. "I won't ever walk away from you again."

They waited for the rest of the cars to arrive in each other's arms, silent. He mentally beat himself up for hurting her without even realizing it. She took comfort in knowing it would never happen again. She was plucking up the courage to do what Roy had encouraged a year before - to tell Rick exactly how she truly felt about him - when the driver informed them that it was time.

They stepped out and joined the other pallbearers. Kate had on her strong mask again. Rick did not. So he put on his sunglasses to hide the emotion.

They carried the casket between the honor guard, each saluting. The flag was folded and presented to the widow. Her body shook as she tried not to lose all control, but she sobbed when she accepted the flag. Her son and two daughters were seated next to her, tears streaming down their cheeks. By the time they reached the front, Rick had finally put on a poker face and removed his glasses.

The mayor spoke of Captain Montgomery as a hero and friend. Rick didn't really listen. He was focused on Kate. She stood between him and the mayor, so no one could tell that he was studying her. He kept thinking of their quiet conversation in the car.

_She said it was sad that someone had to die because everyone was too scared to say how they really felt. I've never actually told her how I really feel. I've always been too scared. She knows, though, right?_

When she got up to speak, he focused on every word that came out of her mouth. _Her lovely, perfect mouth._

"Roy Montgomery taught me what it meant to be a cop. He taught me that we are bound by our choices, but we are more than our mistakes. Captain Montgomery once said to me that, for us, there is no victory. There are only battles. And in the end, the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky, you find someone willing to stand with you."

She paused to look at Rick. He saw in her face right then that she already knew he'd always stand with her. What he'd promised in the car only underscored her faith in him.

She continued, "Our captain would want us to carry on the fight-"

_What was that flash?_

"-and if there ever is…"

_It can't be. The cemetery is secure. Another flash- __OH GOD NO!_

**"_KATE!" _**_Nooo! I was too slow! There's too much blood! Kate's blood! Oh, God, please. _

He held her, afraid to make it worse, but unable to not hold her.

"No, no, no. Kate…. Shh…. Kate, please. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me. _Please_. Stay with me, okay?" _I never said it. She might die right here, and I never told her._ "Kate… I love you. I love you, Kate."

He saw her tear and what looked like a hint of a smile, and he hoped she heard him. He hoped his confession would give her strength. But her eyes closed, and she went limp in his hands.

_I can't save her. Please, God, save her._


End file.
